relationships

So I haven't posted in almost a month. And I epically failed at #bedd. Not for lack of caring, but mostly because I never felt like anything happened. Anything of significance at least.

I finished classes and took my finals. Got my grades. Not as good as I wanted but not bad.

Christmas came and went. There were presents and church services and food.

I worked. A lot.

I got a new job at the YMCA working front desk. (And I like it so much better than in childcare)

I spent new years hanging out with the coolest 9, 4, and 3 year old family I know.

Worked a lot more.

Which brings me to now.

I've never really thought about it before, but I've never really had real relationships with people. I'm not just talking about boyfriend/girlfriend relationships either. I mean, relationships of any kind. You know how people always say, "I have a best friend and I can tell her absolutely everything" ? Well, I've never had that. Not even with my parents.

Recently I've discovered how much of a secretive person I am. I don't like to tell people how it really is. I like to give off an impression of myself and allow people to believe whatever they want to believe about me. I like to pretend that I'm compltely perfect when in all actuality, I am not. Not even close.

Now I don't even mean that I think I'm a perfect person that does everything right. I mean, I pretend to be the perfect person that each individual wants me to be. If you want me to be bossy, I can be bossy. If you want me to be a sweet church girl, I can do that too. Somewhere along the way, I forgot to realize who I actually am, and started becoming who everyone else wanted me to be.

I recently started talking to a guy I met online in a message board. We seemed to have a lot in common and really hit it off. I can't tell you the extent of our conversations but we both feel very connected to one another. It's like we were meant to meet. We have a lot of the same beliefs and interests. And I feel like I could tell him anything (not everything though- don't worry). It's so strange to finally feel like I can tell someone exactly how I am feeling at any moment and not be judged for it. It's very liberating.

The worst part about all this is that I have no way to know when he will be around because he teaches and has other obligations as well. I feel like it is always by chance that we are online at the same time. So right now it's a lot of waiting around.

Which brings me to the realization of another reason I don't date much. I don't have time to just be waiting around for him to be available. I have other things I need to be doing. Be in a relationship (of any kind) is hard work. And most days I just don't have time for it.

I don't really know what this means. But I needed to get it off my chest. Welcome to it.